When Thanksgiving Isn't Safe for Your Trans or Nonbinary Child

Not all relatives deserve grace. Some demand distance.

Photo by Andra C Taylor Jr on Unsplash

This is Thanksgiving week. Many of us in the US are preparing for the familiar mix of comfort-food nostalgia and low-level dread that comes with spending time around extended family.

But 2025 isn’t usual. Not even close.

The political climate has shifted; anticipating these gatherings feels different. This is especially true if you’re raising a trans or nonbinary child. Suddenly, it’s not just about whether a grandparent stumbles over pronouns. It’s about what the world is telling them they’re allowed to be. It’s about whether being in that room is genuinely safe for your child.

And here’s the hard part: some relatives are doing their imperfect best, and those folks deserve a little patience. But others? The ones who lead with contempt, cruelty, or rigid ideology? They’ve made your decision for you. Your kid does not need to be anywhere near them.

Still, not every family dynamic is a crisis. Some are simply imperfect humans, doing their best. And sometimes the best way to understand the difference is through the smaller, more ordinary moments.

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When my youngest child came out as genderfluid just before their 11th birthday, they changed their name and pronouns. Annika became Nico, and she became they.

Thankfully, our friends and community around here had no issues. We live in a liberal blue bubble, and some days, it seems more tweens than not are playing with gender norms by selecting new names and pronouns. So Nico was no outlier.

My family was also accepting — perhaps questioning (to me, not to Nico), but overall, accepting. They adapted to using Nico with no problem. As for pronoun usage — well, they try. Sometimes Grandma succeeded with using they/them pronouns, but often she stumbled. My instinct was to protect Nico, to step in, smooth the moment over, make it easier. I asked Nico if they wanted me to be more vigilant with their grandmother, to ensure she’d catch on faster.

Nico said no.

So I listened, didn’t intervene, and let Nico self-manage Grandma’s pronoun usage. That choice taught me more about resilience than any parenting book.

My mom lives in Florida, across the country from us, and we visit a few times per year. So, it’s not real life, per se. It’s vacation time. At the beginning, I could see Nico didn’t like it — but I also noted they didn’t say anything, most of the time. These days they don’t care which pronouns people use to refer to them, so it’s less of an issue.

It’s also part of my child learning to manage different interpersonal relationships. I’ve noticed that if I slip up on someone’s name or gender, the retribution from both my kids is fierce. They expect me to keep up. I hold this as a source of pride.

When Grandma biffs her pronouns usage, neither of my kids says peep. And you know what? I think that’s okay. I think it means they’re showing some grace.

But grace is a choice we make situationally — not blindly, not at the expense of safety, and not at the expense of our kids.

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This Thanksgiving season, as trans rights are weaponized and kids like mine are turned into political talking points, protecting them comes before any holiday tradition.

If you’re parenting a gender-nonconforming child, you may find yourself in an especially delicate situation, forced into choosing to keep the peace with extended family versus protecting your child.

And here’s the thing: the stakes feel different now. This isn’t just about a harmless pronoun slip. In some states — including the one my mother lives in — there are legislators who have made it clear they want to erase or criminalize our kids’ identities. That danger doesn’t turn off just because there’s turkey on the table. Every time we fly there, I feel the shift in my shoulders.

If you’re in this situation, I can’t tell you what you should do. Only you know your family, and the risks they pose to your child. Sometimes the situation is outright fraught. Then the decision is easy; you cannot risk putting your child in harm’s way. Find friends to spend the holiday with and avoid any family members who are blatantly transphobic.

In this circumstance, your child needs you to protect them.

Pink Hair & Pronouns editor Simply Sophia writes about this beautifully in her essay Chosen Family Saves Lives. As a trans woman with an Evangelical family, she knows the dangers — both overt and subtle — of bringing a gender-diverse kid to the literal table.

Her point lands even harder today. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do as a parent is decline the invitation entirely. Not out of spite — out of safety. And not just physical safety, but emotional and psychological safety, too.

But I’d like to augment Sophia’s story and suggest that at times — when your family flubs your kids’ gender identity not out of malice, but out of carelessness — there’s a case for showing some grace at the occasional holiday meal, and especially with older relatives.

Does it suck when Grandpa says, “But how can a single person be a they?”

Sure.

Is it annoying when Grandma says, “But it’s hard to remember your new name?”

Yes.

But if your elders are putting in some effort, and are otherwise loving and respectful, I think it’s important to discuss with your child and — if they feel safe and okay with it — tell them that it’s harder for people to learn new things as we age.

It’s important to teach your children that people can be flawed and still love us, and that sometimes it’s okay to keep a door open to family members you otherwise love and care about, even if you don’t like some of their behaviors.

The trick now is discerning the difference between harmless imperfection and harmful ideology.

Harmless imperfection is clumsy. Harmful ideology is cruel.

One is survivable — sometimes even repairable. The other? We don’t gamble our kids’ well-being on that. Not anymore.

As parents, the bar is high. We need to keep up, with all of it. It’s our job to stay on top of the culture, norms, and vocabulary of our kid’s world — especially of gender and identity.

But for the grandparents and other elders of the family? I say, use your judgment, and talk to your kids. Teach and model empathy and nuance. Talk to them about how you can gently correct name and pronoun errors, let family members know you appreciate the effort, and encourage them to keep trying.

Show some grace.

And also? Show a spine.

If someone isn’t trying — if they’re hostile, cruel, or threatening — there’s no holiday on earth worth putting your child through that.

Sometimes, the only leverage we have with family is our physical presence. Let your family know that if they can’t behave respectfully around your trans and nonbinary child, then you won’t be spending the holiday with them. Sometimes, it’s love that starts to move hearts and minds to move the arc of the moral universe toward good.

If it works? That’s a wish we can all be thankful for.

If not? Perhaps by next Thanksgiving, things will start to sink in.

Grace is a gift. Safety is a boundary. And this year, our kids deserve both.

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Greetings!

I’m Dana DuBois, a GenX word nerd living in the Pacific Northwest with a whole lot of little words to share. I’m a founder and editor of three publications: Pink Hair & Pronouns, Three Imaginary Girls, and genXy. I write across a variety of topics but parenting, music and pop culture, relationships, and feminism are my favorites. Em-dashes, Oxford commas, and well-placed semi-colons make my heart happy.

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