-His timing of saying he wanted a non-exclusive relationship was 100 percent intentional. It’s hard for a man or woman to stop once our engine gets revved. He took advantage of that.
-Not listening to you when you said what you wanted is bad enough. Not listening when you were in pain is even worse.
-This dude is the definition of a sexist asshole.
-I’m seething. You deserved so much better. This dude needs his ass beat.
I’m so sorry. I’ve since heard other stories about the man in my story, and am grateful I got out quickly. A marriage to someone like this? Ugh, again, I’m so sorry. I’m sending hugs.
You don’t have to apologise for having a lucky escape. I think you are better than that and he lied to you so that you would sleep with him. That is wrong in my book
What a jerk. At disrespectful and bad in bed to boot. I wouldn't feel badly about yourself . . . getting turned on is sort of neat all by itself. Too bad the follow through was so disappointing and hurtful. The plus of this is that you learned something and he will never again have the pleasure of dating you. In my dating period I waited until after several months of dating and dinners thinking that I'd learned enough about him to risk it. The sex was phenomenal which kept me in and out for 5 years, but he too turned out to be a liar and checked all the boxes for malignant narcissism from love bombing to cruelty. Took me quite awhile to heal from that experience.
I’m sorry—seems we’ve all had shitty experiences to learn from. 🤷🏽♀️
I’m feeling pretty ready for my next (really good) experience! Perhaps putting this one out there on Substack will stir up positive romantic/sexual energy on my behalf. 😏
It can happen. I had a wonderful 27-year marriage to a very special, kind, brilliant man. The only drawback was he was 20years older than I and so I’m widowed. But I wouldn’t have missed this relationship for anything, and we got married when I was 45 (2nd marriage)
Consent is, as you say, fluid. When someone lies to get you to say yes they are wrong to think there are no consequences. Sure it’s not clear cut but you were still violated. Maybe you have no current recourse under the law, so tell your friends about him, give them his name and address and tell them to blast across social media that he’s a liar and really horrible person. Word will spread quicker than in my day and he will find it impossible to con his way inside another pair of knickers.
I'm sorry this happened to you. "No" should definitely mean "No." I say this as someone who was raped by her college boyfriend over 40 years ago. However, I put myself in harm's way and I think you did too. I have stopped doing that. I hope you will too.
It is a powerfully written story. I'm probably one of the last guys that you need to hear from on the topic. I preach and teach consent. I raised 4 daughters and taught them the best I could about consent and personal control. In my erotica I try to model good consent. But I have also been divorced for over 25years. My ex and I, talk from time to time, but we both made a lot of mistakes when we were together. Bruises and visible marks was never part of it. "Hickies are for amateurs" I heard growing up. I did things in my teens and 20's that pushed boundaries beyond what I would do now. But that is also having been a single parent, and growing up. Bottom line, it was a good article and you saw the warning flags. Hopefully he learns before he hurts someone else.
Lori, I have never had a huge pool of friends, since covid my circle consists of me. I prefer being single to being conned and, since every woman I meet online asks me to send her money to not come over, I remain single. Consent as far as I’m concerned is in the moment and can be withdrawn at anytime, by either party.
Even though my husband now of 11 years drives me up the wall sometimes I am so thankful I am not single anymore. We don’t have a big social circle anymore since Covid. We are looking to move somewhere less peopley. We are both over the city. You never know, though you might bump into someone somewhere that you frequent often maybe the library or the grocery store it happens.
I hope so but, and no offence here, I am no longer looking. I am pleased that you have found someone for you and hope that he (and you) keep rubbing along so well together.
Damn, Dana. This one cut me.
Here’s my two cents for whatever it’s worth.
-His timing of saying he wanted a non-exclusive relationship was 100 percent intentional. It’s hard for a man or woman to stop once our engine gets revved. He took advantage of that.
-Not listening to you when you said what you wanted is bad enough. Not listening when you were in pain is even worse.
-This dude is the definition of a sexist asshole.
-I’m seething. You deserved so much better. This dude needs his ass beat.
-Keep on keeping on, D.
Thank you. This means so much. 💜
Dana, other women need to be informed and warned about his conduct.
Ugh. You’re so right—his lies to gain your consent are the lasting and deeper bruises.
After being married to someone like that I find trusting nearly impossible.
I’m so sorry. I’ve since heard other stories about the man in my story, and am grateful I got out quickly. A marriage to someone like this? Ugh, again, I’m so sorry. I’m sending hugs.
I hadn’t even realized that’s exactly what happened—but lying to gain consent sums it up perfectly. Thank you.
You don’t have to apologise for having a lucky escape. I think you are better than that and he lied to you so that you would sleep with him. That is wrong in my book
What a jerk. At disrespectful and bad in bed to boot. I wouldn't feel badly about yourself . . . getting turned on is sort of neat all by itself. Too bad the follow through was so disappointing and hurtful. The plus of this is that you learned something and he will never again have the pleasure of dating you. In my dating period I waited until after several months of dating and dinners thinking that I'd learned enough about him to risk it. The sex was phenomenal which kept me in and out for 5 years, but he too turned out to be a liar and checked all the boxes for malignant narcissism from love bombing to cruelty. Took me quite awhile to heal from that experience.
I’m sorry—seems we’ve all had shitty experiences to learn from. 🤷🏽♀️
I’m feeling pretty ready for my next (really good) experience! Perhaps putting this one out there on Substack will stir up positive romantic/sexual energy on my behalf. 😏
It can happen. I had a wonderful 27-year marriage to a very special, kind, brilliant man. The only drawback was he was 20years older than I and so I’m widowed. But I wouldn’t have missed this relationship for anything, and we got married when I was 45 (2nd marriage)
Awww. I’m glad you knew such a great love, Patricia!
Girl SAME!! I want that for both of us. 💜💜
Consent is, as you say, fluid. When someone lies to get you to say yes they are wrong to think there are no consequences. Sure it’s not clear cut but you were still violated. Maybe you have no current recourse under the law, so tell your friends about him, give them his name and address and tell them to blast across social media that he’s a liar and really horrible person. Word will spread quicker than in my day and he will find it impossible to con his way inside another pair of knickers.
I'm sorry this happened to you. "No" should definitely mean "No." I say this as someone who was raped by her college boyfriend over 40 years ago. However, I put myself in harm's way and I think you did too. I have stopped doing that. I hope you will too.
It is a powerfully written story. I'm probably one of the last guys that you need to hear from on the topic. I preach and teach consent. I raised 4 daughters and taught them the best I could about consent and personal control. In my erotica I try to model good consent. But I have also been divorced for over 25years. My ex and I, talk from time to time, but we both made a lot of mistakes when we were together. Bruises and visible marks was never part of it. "Hickies are for amateurs" I heard growing up. I did things in my teens and 20's that pushed boundaries beyond what I would do now. But that is also having been a single parent, and growing up. Bottom line, it was a good article and you saw the warning flags. Hopefully he learns before he hurts someone else.
Holy shit. How awful. I’m so sorry!
Thanks Lori, I appreciate you saying so. And no one deserves this—young or old, drunk or sober. Sending hugs.
Lori, I have never had a huge pool of friends, since covid my circle consists of me. I prefer being single to being conned and, since every woman I meet online asks me to send her money to not come over, I remain single. Consent as far as I’m concerned is in the moment and can be withdrawn at anytime, by either party.
Even though my husband now of 11 years drives me up the wall sometimes I am so thankful I am not single anymore. We don’t have a big social circle anymore since Covid. We are looking to move somewhere less peopley. We are both over the city. You never know, though you might bump into someone somewhere that you frequent often maybe the library or the grocery store it happens.
I hope so but, and no offence here, I am no longer looking. I am pleased that you have found someone for you and hope that he (and you) keep rubbing along so well together.