That sounds like “negging”, which I’ve heard about, except his goal doesn’t seem to be to want to make you try harder. Weird. People who feel they’ve been shortchanged or hurt and therefore have a need to hurt others as a means of “leveling the field” suck. That’s precisely the wrong response they should have.
About 10 years ago I dated a guy for a couple of years who eventually broke up with me because “there wasn’t room for him in my life.” He made a big point of telling me how hard the break up was for him and eventually got really mad at me for not being upset enough about him breaking up with me. I had the audacity to still take the vacation with my then teenage kids that we’d been planning for six months. Your story was a lightbulb moment for me.
My mother once told I frightened the boys. Which I thoroughly enjoyed, thinking 'good--they ought to be scared' :D
Had two long term relationships, still friends with both, and I'm busy with work. If I meet someone, so be it. If not, I'll live. I'm too old for bovine biosolids
Tecolote… the coolest thing about sub stack is that I’ve been obsessed with people because of their comments and now because of this comment, I’m more obsessed with you!🤣🤣touche!!!
My mother once told me that women “ask for it” … to get raped ….by the way they dress.
I told her I should be able to walk down the street naked without anybody fucking with me …and I still believe that!
my mother was abusive… my mother was abused
And I tolerated that abuse until she died. Screw that shit!
Hey, I am a Sagittarius so I love my 🔥 signs. Both my long term relationships have been with other 🔥. But you need someone who can take what you dish out, lol.
Thank you, this waa good information/advice for someone who is also just starting to date men in her 40s. (In my case not again but for the first time)
Thankfully I'm not looking for a life partner, so that makes it easier in some ways. I think I can take a hit more easily as I'm in happy relationships.
My theory is needy men want needy women. They are emotionally starved - probably because they are lonely in more than one way - and hope a woman will fix it. An accomplished woman won't do that, she won't fix his life and she won't coddle his ego. That's where the resentment comes up.
And many are hurt by the dating dynamics - they can't reconcile the fact that for once they are not in power. I had a guy friend say "If she's not willing to meet immediately, she's out". Well, if it works for him, good for him... But I have to go through 100s of men who swipe on me because so many swipe indiscriminately - of course I'm gonna do some filtering - I can't go on dates with so many people.
And honestly I don't like the dynamic either - it might sound like an advantage but it's also exhausting. Dating lesbians was easier in some ways.
Thanks for sharing this. It really helped me to crystallize the realization that 20 years ago I was so worn out with dating and the meanness of mediocre men that I unknowingly settled for one who was a master of love bombing. The negging and coercive control started out small and subtle but gradually increased over the years and I got frogboiled…and I feared losing custody of my daughter to a father who was unstable, volatile and abusive. I got help with escaping the relationship from @Zawn Villines and the Liberating Motherhood community and last year my YA daughter and I escaped. I’m now divorced, asexual and have no interest in dating, and your article reminded me why…thank you for having the self love 💕 to say the truth: you are awesome and most men can’t keep up, so they try to pull you down. I’m enjoying my platonic friendships with younger men who CAN keep up, aren’t looking for anything other than friendship based on shared nerdy interests, and it’s honestly so much more satisfying than dating men my own age who can’t. Because we’re busy women…we don’t need people wasting our time.
I was in the same relationship with the father of my children. What I tolerated was unbelievable… all under the guise of “protecting my children”. His abuse extended beyond me, and I feel quite guilty that I did not press charges sooner so that he could’ve been held accountable where he might not have hurt other people.
I’m in Texas. And I am in the upper white middle-class part of oil money. Appearances are everything. So I tolerated the abuse. I had stayed quiet about Trump —when I started posting on Facebook and getting a lot of backlash I pulled posts down. All of these people are abusive. They all must be held accountable. And it’s always uncomfortable to hold them accountable because you look like the crazy asshole.
Yes, I’m the crazy asshole. I’m tired of the abuse.
Thank you for your story. You’re reminding me of why I’m so passionate about why I passionate.
but on that note, he was 12 years younger than me. I was dating younger also to avoid what I perceived to be the abuser, they’re everywhere-age doesn’t discriminate! But yeah, it seems like younger men are a little more open minded🤷🏼♀️
You know I’ve been watching your dating journey for a few months now ! It mirrors my own, so I am with you in spirit, my friend!
You and I have come to the exact same conclusion at the exact same time —however, I’m using more psychological techniques! Trump has been so triggering to me! Because I finally see through the abuse. You have to nip it in the bud the very first time it happens!
So that’s the trick … if you ask me.
Identifying abuse in the moment and shut it down and you teach the person how to treat you immediately!
Like immediately on bumble !
I’m a Scorpio and I have strong likes and dislikes. I grew up in a family of rapid fire discussion. It’s definitely sink or swim and you better chat fast! Do I overpower others when I talk? Yep I do. I’m trying to learn how to be a better listener! But at the same time it’s a gift and it’s a gift with you and I!
A cool dude will know that your rapid fire intellect is why you’re such a bad ass. Let it be the thing that weeds out the losers-because it’s who you are naturally.
At least that’s what I’m telling myself over here! Right now I’m being pursued by an old friend who constantly wants me to sext him. He’s an actor and he was a musician and I love him to death because he’s the cutest thing ever but, I just don’t feel sexual right now.
I don’t know when I’m ready to hop back in the dating scene, but I do know I cannot tolerate 1 ounce of psychological abuse or anyone trying to dominate over me. It’s been my life story and watching it be done to my children by my family, our school system and now my government , has been the straw on the camels back.
I cannot accept this behavior from people in a civilized society. So my big fat ass mouth and me are on SubStack and are calling these people out. It probably won’t get me laid or get into a decent relationship, but hopefully it will with somebody who believes in what I believe in, and we can fight the rest of this world together!
I love this series! You are the best guide for me as I hop back into the dating scene. Thanks for being my friend. 🥰 WE GOT THIS! On ALL fronts super Mom & just all-around badass that you are!
That sounds like “negging”, which I’ve heard about, except his goal doesn’t seem to be to want to make you try harder. Weird. People who feel they’ve been shortchanged or hurt and therefore have a need to hurt others as a means of “leveling the field” suck. That’s precisely the wrong response they should have.
About 10 years ago I dated a guy for a couple of years who eventually broke up with me because “there wasn’t room for him in my life.” He made a big point of telling me how hard the break up was for him and eventually got really mad at me for not being upset enough about him breaking up with me. I had the audacity to still take the vacation with my then teenage kids that we’d been planning for six months. Your story was a lightbulb moment for me.
Right??!? Once you spot it, it all seems so clear and clarifying.
I’m SO glad my story gave you a lightbulb moment! 💡
Sound advice. I'm finding that not looking around for companionship is pretty satisfying in itself.
Thanks… I think I’m just content being single right now!!
My mother once told I frightened the boys. Which I thoroughly enjoyed, thinking 'good--they ought to be scared' :D
Had two long term relationships, still friends with both, and I'm busy with work. If I meet someone, so be it. If not, I'll live. I'm too old for bovine biosolids
All my best to you Dana😄🤗🥰💝♾️
And right back atcha, tecolote—thanks so much for restacking!
Tecolote… the coolest thing about sub stack is that I’ve been obsessed with people because of their comments and now because of this comment, I’m more obsessed with you!🤣🤣touche!!!
My mother once told me that women “ask for it” … to get raped ….by the way they dress.
I told her I should be able to walk down the street naked without anybody fucking with me …and I still believe that!
my mother was abusive… my mother was abused
And I tolerated that abuse until she died. Screw that shit!
Was Sven a Leo? They can be pathologically controlling sometimes, and very bluntly critical.
Ya know, I don’t recall his astrological sign. But I am! Does that change your read on the story? 😆
Hey, I am a Sagittarius so I love my 🔥 signs. Both my long term relationships have been with other 🔥. But you need someone who can take what you dish out, lol.
I love my fire signs right back!
🤣🤣🤣 I was dying to know the sign also!! and I’m not even into astrology really
That energy sounds magnetic; sometimes the spark itself matters more than where it leads. 🔌
I don't have advice. I do offer a virtual hug.
Sven seems emotionally abusive. You dodged a bullet and there is no way you need to date down.
Thanks red and as. 52 year old starting to date again … IT SUCKS
But there’s always a British man who would date you with gray hair and tattoos … oh that’s me lol ❤️
Kellboy! OK, good to know the three of us are all the same age in the dating pool!🤷🏼♀️🤣
Its a amazing pool tho it’s warm come and jump in cat 🤣
Thank you, this waa good information/advice for someone who is also just starting to date men in her 40s. (In my case not again but for the first time)
Thankfully I'm not looking for a life partner, so that makes it easier in some ways. I think I can take a hit more easily as I'm in happy relationships.
My theory is needy men want needy women. They are emotionally starved - probably because they are lonely in more than one way - and hope a woman will fix it. An accomplished woman won't do that, she won't fix his life and she won't coddle his ego. That's where the resentment comes up.
And many are hurt by the dating dynamics - they can't reconcile the fact that for once they are not in power. I had a guy friend say "If she's not willing to meet immediately, she's out". Well, if it works for him, good for him... But I have to go through 100s of men who swipe on me because so many swipe indiscriminately - of course I'm gonna do some filtering - I can't go on dates with so many people.
And honestly I don't like the dynamic either - it might sound like an advantage but it's also exhausting. Dating lesbians was easier in some ways.
“One lap around.” Good safety tip!!
I realized I do that too, metaphorically, in other areas of my dating life. So, I’ll keep this in mind.
This was a lot of fun to read ☺️
Thanks for sharing this. It really helped me to crystallize the realization that 20 years ago I was so worn out with dating and the meanness of mediocre men that I unknowingly settled for one who was a master of love bombing. The negging and coercive control started out small and subtle but gradually increased over the years and I got frogboiled…and I feared losing custody of my daughter to a father who was unstable, volatile and abusive. I got help with escaping the relationship from @Zawn Villines and the Liberating Motherhood community and last year my YA daughter and I escaped. I’m now divorced, asexual and have no interest in dating, and your article reminded me why…thank you for having the self love 💕 to say the truth: you are awesome and most men can’t keep up, so they try to pull you down. I’m enjoying my platonic friendships with younger men who CAN keep up, aren’t looking for anything other than friendship based on shared nerdy interests, and it’s honestly so much more satisfying than dating men my own age who can’t. Because we’re busy women…we don’t need people wasting our time.
Wow…
I was in the same relationship with the father of my children. What I tolerated was unbelievable… all under the guise of “protecting my children”. His abuse extended beyond me, and I feel quite guilty that I did not press charges sooner so that he could’ve been held accountable where he might not have hurt other people.
I’m in Texas. And I am in the upper white middle-class part of oil money. Appearances are everything. So I tolerated the abuse. I had stayed quiet about Trump —when I started posting on Facebook and getting a lot of backlash I pulled posts down. All of these people are abusive. They all must be held accountable. And it’s always uncomfortable to hold them accountable because you look like the crazy asshole.
Yes, I’m the crazy asshole. I’m tired of the abuse.
Thank you for your story. You’re reminding me of why I’m so passionate about why I passionate.
but on that note, he was 12 years younger than me. I was dating younger also to avoid what I perceived to be the abuser, they’re everywhere-age doesn’t discriminate! But yeah, it seems like younger men are a little more open minded🤷🏼♀️
God I love you!
You know I’ve been watching your dating journey for a few months now ! It mirrors my own, so I am with you in spirit, my friend!
You and I have come to the exact same conclusion at the exact same time —however, I’m using more psychological techniques! Trump has been so triggering to me! Because I finally see through the abuse. You have to nip it in the bud the very first time it happens!
So that’s the trick … if you ask me.
Identifying abuse in the moment and shut it down and you teach the person how to treat you immediately!
Like immediately on bumble !
I’m a Scorpio and I have strong likes and dislikes. I grew up in a family of rapid fire discussion. It’s definitely sink or swim and you better chat fast! Do I overpower others when I talk? Yep I do. I’m trying to learn how to be a better listener! But at the same time it’s a gift and it’s a gift with you and I!
A cool dude will know that your rapid fire intellect is why you’re such a bad ass. Let it be the thing that weeds out the losers-because it’s who you are naturally.
At least that’s what I’m telling myself over here! Right now I’m being pursued by an old friend who constantly wants me to sext him. He’s an actor and he was a musician and I love him to death because he’s the cutest thing ever but, I just don’t feel sexual right now.
I don’t know when I’m ready to hop back in the dating scene, but I do know I cannot tolerate 1 ounce of psychological abuse or anyone trying to dominate over me. It’s been my life story and watching it be done to my children by my family, our school system and now my government , has been the straw on the camels back.
I cannot accept this behavior from people in a civilized society. So my big fat ass mouth and me are on SubStack and are calling these people out. It probably won’t get me laid or get into a decent relationship, but hopefully it will with somebody who believes in what I believe in, and we can fight the rest of this world together!
I love this series! You are the best guide for me as I hop back into the dating scene. Thanks for being my friend. 🥰 WE GOT THIS! On ALL fronts super Mom & just all-around badass that you are!
Doesnt like texting? RED FUCKING FLAG right there🤣