Beautifully written. My heart goes out to you. I had the kind of dad who hid behind the newspaper when he got home from work. Our mother raised my brothers and me. So 5 years ago, when my dad could no longer live by himself in his little house in the woods, I brought him to live with me. He did not have memory issues, but it was an adjustment for both of us. My parents retired and moved a thousand miles away a couple of years after I graduated from high school. My mother had died in 2004, so he'd been alone for quite a while. And we hadn't lived in the same house in 35 years.
I cared for him for the last 10 months of his life, and when he did go, he was in my living room in a hospital bed, and I was holding his hand. A friend I will be grateful to forever was sitting there with us so that I didn't have to watch him go alone.
The other thing that struck me about your writing is how much we understand about our parents after it's too late for us to do anything about it. I hope that whatever time you have left with your dad, you will be able to heal some of the breaches. I wish that for you very much.
What a beautiful comment, Elaine. Thanks for sharing your story and for your wishes. I’m going to see him again in a couple weeks, and I’m going to be considering your words as I do. 💜
I experienced the same phenomenon with my mother toward the end of her life, the wild mood swings and the zingers but also some wondrous nonsense as her fraying mind spliced together the most disparate things, and the aspects of her personality that made her so challenging for me softened and faded and I really came to enjoy our time together.
Beautifully written, Dana. You write so warmly and seemingly effortlessly. You have a real gift. I read this eagerly through to the end, and I understand. My dad had dementia too, lived in Florida, was once an aloof US Air Force pilot, but was softened by Alzheimer's into a man I truly came to love and admire. His father, my grandfather, was a tyrant too. Their generation didn't have the skills to cope and heal with what they endured. Not an excuse. Just ... facts.
Awww, thanks Jackie--your kind words mean so much. And you're so right--they really never had the skills or got the support they needed, and that's simply a fact, albeit a tragic one.
You def should. It's a beautiful story for a tragic time. I had to put my mom's 2 cats down when she told me that she couldn't handle their care anymore. She was on the cusp of going to memory care...way too soon and too young. The cats were unadoptable by our vets opinion (and honestly mine as well and I'm a rabid animal lover. Well, I think you are aware... remember the bunnies you took in along with me freshman year?💕) I had to make the decision to put them down. I told her they were adopted and she soon stopped asking about them. I LOVE this beautiful story because it gives hope and contains so much love. I wish I could have provided the same for my mom's cats, but they hated everyone but her. They were old and in questionable healthy. It's just a fact. I was sad but I don't feel guilty...which means it was legit.
Your story is a tribute of love even though you were on opposite ends of the country. My mom moved out here...mostly because no one else wanted to be responsible and I was willing.
I can't imagine going through this with my parents.
I can relate to parts of this, with my dad yelling and acting not so lovingly towards me. I'm fortunate he didn't drink, because I'm sure it would've been much worse. I hope you have other familial support.
Thank u 4 this lovely,deep story on your father. I am sorry you had to go through all that emotional &verbal abuse from him, but I feel that you crafted something beautiful from your personal pain to share with others. Also you treated your Dad with compassion.
I didn't have that experience of abuse.
My Dad had depression when I was growing up and that waa kind of overwhelming as a kid trying 2 act like a little adult & help the big one, but he's also a loving Dad despite his faults. But now he is also getting dementia & I'm his caregiver when my Mom needs respite. So I could relate.
I want 2 share that i stood up in respect 4 it's beauty to read it all the way 2 the end. Wish I cld afford 2 buy u a coffee this month, but I will keep reading.
Thank you so much for sharing your story - it is written so well. It brought up so much for me that needs healing, and I am all in the feels this morning.
Dementia is tough but it can bring some unexpected gifts.
Indeed. I relearn this lesson every time I go to visit him.
Beautifully written. My heart goes out to you. I had the kind of dad who hid behind the newspaper when he got home from work. Our mother raised my brothers and me. So 5 years ago, when my dad could no longer live by himself in his little house in the woods, I brought him to live with me. He did not have memory issues, but it was an adjustment for both of us. My parents retired and moved a thousand miles away a couple of years after I graduated from high school. My mother had died in 2004, so he'd been alone for quite a while. And we hadn't lived in the same house in 35 years.
I cared for him for the last 10 months of his life, and when he did go, he was in my living room in a hospital bed, and I was holding his hand. A friend I will be grateful to forever was sitting there with us so that I didn't have to watch him go alone.
The other thing that struck me about your writing is how much we understand about our parents after it's too late for us to do anything about it. I hope that whatever time you have left with your dad, you will be able to heal some of the breaches. I wish that for you very much.
What a beautiful comment, Elaine. Thanks for sharing your story and for your wishes. I’m going to see him again in a couple weeks, and I’m going to be considering your words as I do. 💜
I experienced the same phenomenon with my mother toward the end of her life, the wild mood swings and the zingers but also some wondrous nonsense as her fraying mind spliced together the most disparate things, and the aspects of her personality that made her so challenging for me softened and faded and I really came to enjoy our time together.
💜💜💜
Beautifully written, Dana. You write so warmly and seemingly effortlessly. You have a real gift. I read this eagerly through to the end, and I understand. My dad had dementia too, lived in Florida, was once an aloof US Air Force pilot, but was softened by Alzheimer's into a man I truly came to love and admire. His father, my grandfather, was a tyrant too. Their generation didn't have the skills to cope and heal with what they endured. Not an excuse. Just ... facts.
Awww, thanks Jackie--your kind words mean so much. And you're so right--they really never had the skills or got the support they needed, and that's simply a fact, albeit a tragic one.
The bonus story about Woody is absolutely heart warming and beautiful. I have so much gratitude for the beautiful soul that became Woody's person.
I’m convinced she was at least half angel. I’ve never seen a creature shift so effortlessly to joy as poor little Woody did.
I should probably post it to substack.
You def should. It's a beautiful story for a tragic time. I had to put my mom's 2 cats down when she told me that she couldn't handle their care anymore. She was on the cusp of going to memory care...way too soon and too young. The cats were unadoptable by our vets opinion (and honestly mine as well and I'm a rabid animal lover. Well, I think you are aware... remember the bunnies you took in along with me freshman year?💕) I had to make the decision to put them down. I told her they were adopted and she soon stopped asking about them. I LOVE this beautiful story because it gives hope and contains so much love. I wish I could have provided the same for my mom's cats, but they hated everyone but her. They were old and in questionable healthy. It's just a fact. I was sad but I don't feel guilty...which means it was legit.
Your story is a tribute of love even though you were on opposite ends of the country. My mom moved out here...mostly because no one else wanted to be responsible and I was willing.
I can't imagine going through this with my parents.
I can relate to parts of this, with my dad yelling and acting not so lovingly towards me. I'm fortunate he didn't drink, because I'm sure it would've been much worse. I hope you have other familial support.
Thank you--I most definitely do, thankfully.
Oh God, so heartbreaking and sad for you both. This really touched my heart.
Thanks Sacha--this means so much!
Wow Dana, that was a beautifully written post and so relatable 💔
Thank you Liz--and I'm sorry you find it relatable. Perhaps another topic for the podcast on Thursday...?
Yes, your relationship with your dad is similar to mine.
This topic for the podcast would be perfect since Father’s Day is this weekend 😆 but I’m also fine with whatever.
Thank u 4 this lovely,deep story on your father. I am sorry you had to go through all that emotional &verbal abuse from him, but I feel that you crafted something beautiful from your personal pain to share with others. Also you treated your Dad with compassion.
I didn't have that experience of abuse.
My Dad had depression when I was growing up and that waa kind of overwhelming as a kid trying 2 act like a little adult & help the big one, but he's also a loving Dad despite his faults. But now he is also getting dementia & I'm his caregiver when my Mom needs respite. So I could relate.
I want 2 share that i stood up in respect 4 it's beauty to read it all the way 2 the end. Wish I cld afford 2 buy u a coffee this month, but I will keep reading.
✌️ * 🤗
Thank you so much for sharing your story - it is written so well. It brought up so much for me that needs healing, and I am all in the feels this morning.